Ronnie Fucking Pickering – Who The Fuck Is That?

Ronnie Fucking Pickering – Who The Fuck Is That?

Let me pre-emptively defend myself…

Racists tend to appease by saying “I’ve got loads of black friends” (Which means they once worked in the same place as a black person) and Homophobes appease by saying “I’ve got loads of gay friends” (Which means they once went to Brighton the weekend before Gay Pride).  So, I’m not a Hull-o-phobe.  I’ve got loads of friends from Hull.  In fact, nearly all of my friends are from Hull.  It’s not a quirky self-imposed rule – I grew up there.  As to whether or not I’m from Hull myself, I’m still unsure.  Here’s the Hull-based road rage clip featuring Ronnie Fucking Pickering, which has been taking the UK by storm this week.  (That’s Olde-English for gone viral, Grandkids.)  The real action begins around 1:14 so sit back:

“COME ON THEN!  YOU CUNT!”  – Quite an entry to a conversation.  Certainly one of the more aggressive ways for a Citroen Xsara Picasso to pull up.  I wonder if Ronnie’s aggression is just so strong that “Come On Then!  You Cunt!” Is actually him trying very hard to tone it down?

Putting aside for a couple of paragraphs the absurdity of wanting a fight when not in the throes of a furious, blind rage, let’s look at the causes for concern amongst some of the finer points.

The first of which has to be “Bare Knuckle”.  Confusing, isn’t it?  Let me give you it in context – “Let’s have a fucking bare knuckle then!”  Yeah?  So I’ve managed to deduce from this that “Bare Knuckle” is short for “Bare Knuckle Fight”.  Thanks for specifying the state of the knuckles there, Ronnie… So that’s a bare-knuckle fight as opposed to what?  Both road ragers raiding their in-vehicle storage areas for some boxing gloves?  Does Ronnie have Crossbows in the boot of the Picasso?  Or Spears?  Such antiquity would certainly compliment the shape of his skull.

I’m also not going to dwell on the humour in Ronnie repeatedly asking the rider-cameraman if he knows who he is.  It’s not as if the moped rider mistakenly started the fight is it?  Or started the fight at all.  Whether or not Ronnie Pickering is a boxer is irrelevant.  If he pulls up and calls YOU a cunt, and then asks YOU if YOU know who he is, then your answer shouldn’t really be worth more than a side note.

So as the argument heats up, and Ronnie is now certain he wants to resolve this with an organised, deliberate fight, he shouts, demanding of the rider – “GET YOUR FUCKING HELMET OFF!” – The caveat to which must surely be “…So I don’t hurt my bare knuckles on your visor”.  Can you imagine for a crazy moment if that instruction was just simply followed?  The moped rider just removes his helmet?!  Having said this, the fact that there are people all over the country talking about “Ronnie Pickering” or “Ronnie Fucking Pickering” yet the moped rider still seems to think he’s called “Johnny Pickering” suggests that maybe he does need to take his helmet off.  Or at least loosen it a tad.

The most subtle is often the most disturbing, and the freakiest nuance comes in the “RONNIE PICKERING” phase – that is to say the short stretch of action in which Ronnie is repeatedly asked indeed “who he is”, and repeatedly offers his answer, which a hint of analog echo and a big crescendo.  On his 3rd and final repetition, the one to warrant these capital letters – “RONNIE PICKERING” – his voice hits heights of volume, rasp and aggression that all evidence goes to show warrants a bright red, creased up, perspiring face.  But this is a fleeting moment playing across from cheek to cheek.  The majority of the time spent shouting, his face is unchanged.  Make of that what you will, I haven’t decided yet, but I know it’s weirder than sustained absolute fury.

We think the situation is diffused as the moped rider makes to leave the scene.  Sensing his opportunity for a roadside physical fight slipping through his (bare) fingers, Ronnie zips the Picasso round to confront the rider from the opposite side.  This affords us lucky viewers our first chance to see the Passenger seat of Ronnie’s car, and the faithful, silent, scowling, forward-facing, downtrodden woman within.  Her only job is to press the button that sends the electric window down, so Ronnie can shout “ARL PUT YOW IN AN IN-FAIR-MARIE” which translates roughly as “I’ll put you in an infirmary” – Presumably Hull Royal, otherwise just “Hospital” surely?  In the same blinkered regional way that a travelling fair becomes “Hull Fair” once a year, around about now.  It’s only Hull Fair while it’s in Hull.  Sometimes it’s Nottingham Fair.  Sometimes it’s not.

There are many opportunities for the situation to be diffused, and it comes close.  But none of them are taken.  It’s as if Ronnie sees the opportunity for a bare knuckle fight start to slip away, and has to try to claw it back.  He never takes his seatbelt off though.

And all of this in the UK’s City Of Culture 2017.  That award will bring the disparate arrivals of both new plants in the city centre and some “Big Socio-Economic Change”.  Not that Ronnie Fucking Pickering will benefit from that of course, his life will carry on being basically the same sequence of car parks and driveways punctuated by bare knuckles.  The big change might mean a consequential increase  in mental health budget though, which would of course include anger management therapies.  But I feel the chances of him being willing to go through the mental health centre’s doors to get “Trett” as they, some, would say in Hull (It’s still not a word) are probably quite slim.  Unless the Mental Health receptionist wants to take her, or his, fucking helmet off for a bare knuckle, that is.  But that kind of language is more familiar in the Family Planning Department.

Still, the hardest aspect to understand, is the idea that the outcome of the rider being unconscious in hospital, the poor moped abandoned at the roadside, Ronnie Fucking Pickering spending a night in the cells, and his faithful womanservant driving the Picasso home alone would be the best possible outcome.  And moreover, as one of my Hull friends said – That for Ronnie Pickering that would be considered a victory?

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