BriaAndChrissy, the “YouTubeLesbians” this week made and released the Video below – “Lesbians Touch Penis For The First Time” – Studying their profile I’d hazard a rough guess that the exclusion of “A” before “Penis” is an Americanism, rather than an attempt to start a debate about what is and isn’t “A piece of meat”. Here’s the video:
Well why wouldn’t it be the first time? I don’t claim to know all the rules of being a YouTubeLesbian but I do know the primary tenet – If you touch any part of a man’s penis, you must be declared a FakeYouTubeLesbian and your YouTubeLesbian account and associated Advertising Revenue may be suspended indefinitely. I wonder if, therefore, my relationship with my girlfriend will inevitably dictate that my planned video “Heterosexual man milks other man’s prostate for the first time” will not be the cash cow I’d previously hoped. C’est La Vie. Which I think is French for “Make a public mockery of your sexual orientation’s communal identity, then head for the juice bar while your poor disciples think about how their lack of YouTube popularity means they can never achieve a full liberation in their “coming out” like you have.
Their implication is that it’s abnormal for a woman not to have touched a penis. And in fact the implication runs deeper. More accurately it’s “In order to find a woman who hasn’t touched a penis, we’ll have to raid the lesbians.”
Why does it have to be a woman anyway? Why couldn’t it be a heterosexual man? Because they have a penis of their own? Is it not of some importance that this YouTubePenis is attached to somebody else? Or are we now so divorced from the idea of someone owning their own sexuality that there’s no difference? Ok, ok, so maybe it’s simply all about how odd and surprising it feels to someone who’s never touched one? The YouTubeLesbians establish that the best way to do that is undoubtedly to have the man strip completely naked, but to then censor his YouTubePenis with a black square. Which perfectly mirrors the idiotic channel’s approach in general – moronic, titillating, sexist, homophobic bullshit under the guise of defiance, protection and liberation. Not that they’re deliberately homophobic of course, but these accidents happen when you’re only capable of one dimensional thoughts. Unlike the three dimensional strap-on dildo they’re going to shove up a man’s arsehole in the next episode, titled:
“Does A Straight Man Spontaneously Ejaculate Onto His Nephew’s Kinder Bueno When A Pre-Op Transsexual Tickles His Prostate With A Strap-On Dildo?”
If I, as a white man, can be offended when somebody is racist towards a black person, then I, as a heterosexual man can be offended when somebody is homophobic towards a gay person. The fact that the homophobes themselves are lesbians is irrelevant. No, they can’t be said to hate lesbians, I suppose, they clearly love themselves very much. But it’s not all about hate. It’s also about ignorance. And the abundance of ignorance that leads them to think that “Lesbians Touch Penis For The First Time” Is in any way funny or worthwhile, is also responsible for the continuing breeding of hidden homophobia and marginalisation. Ok, it is self-marginalisation, but so what? If I took my morals from LesbianLosAngelesYouTubers, I’d have a gun, a wheatgrass smoothie, and sore eyes. I don’t have any of those things. BriaAndChrissy are part of the problem that they loudly and glitzily feign to defy. I’ll probably try a wheatgrass smoothie once I’m more at home with the idea of shitting myself, and then inevitably become ‘addicted’. How grimly predictable.
We perceive that a black person is more “allowed” to say racial slang terms about black people, but we certainly don’t agree that the same black person is “allowed” to abuse another black person on racial grounds, or not give them a job, or take away their rights. So these YouTubeFuckwits can make all the “Dyke” Rap Videos they want, while wearing semi-ironic MuffDiver t-shirts. But they shouldn’t do things that marginalise their entire sexuality, unconsciously, in the minds of 15 million viewers.
The final nail in the coffin comes when one lesbian finishes touching the penis while doing some prepared, anti-funny jokes, and then promptly calls her Mom (that’s American for Mum) to tell her “I did it! I just touched a penis” To which the on-speakerphone Mom cheers in celebration. Finally, daughter, you’ve made something of yourself, like a disney character or a female lead in something, you’ve achieved your ultimate goal of holding a man’s penis. I can picture you taking a cock, and therefore you have achieved completion of life, level one. Fucking Americans. And that can’t be racist, by the way, because I’ve been to New York on holiday.