Gourmet Murder Kitchen – The Real Insult Is Your Apology

Gourmet Murder Kitchen – The Real Insult Is Your Apology

Three Gourmet Burger Kitchen advertisements appeared last week:


I get the joke – “Let’s mock compassionate people for not wanting defenceless animals to suffer”  Hilarious.  Certainly a jovial distraction from the routine throat-slitting essential to produce our “gourmet” burgers, and the forced-casual Australasian polo shirt serving us them, somehow managing to call us “guys” 17 times in the time it takes to put a plate on the table.

Aged 27, I’m already late enough in life that I risk a heart attack if I contemplate the desperate idiocy of:

“Vegetarians – Resistance Is Futile” – Like Vegetarianism is a constant, deprived struggle, and not a healthy, guilt-free, normal-shitting, un-bloated, compassionate, longer-living, sustainable choice?

And the image of a Cow-shaped living being (as opposed to a human-shaped living being) with the slogan:

“I eat grass so you don’t have to” – They think vegetarians eat grass?!  – On this logic, cows also, incidentally, have their udders squeezed so that we don’t have to inseminate our human mothers and then squeeze their tits onto our cereals.  That poster would’ve been a lot more entertaining.

What an idiotic poster.  That money-grabbing cow who posed for it now has to hide his leathery face from his pals and keep his mooing to a minimum while the storm passes.  The shame.  He’s probably hoping Russia will send him into space.

By far the worst part of this story, though, is GBK’s apology, that came after the subsequent backlash, and is as sincere as the burgers are gourmet.  It looked like this:

GBK Apology

How their snotty, multi-pronged Crisis Management / Social Media / Copywriting teams managed to make no errors with so much blood on their hands is beyond me.  Maybe eating a Cow’s back with gherkins improves your spelling as well as sending your machismo and protein count through the roof.  Alas, what to do to redress the machismo-protein balance?  Have a wank onto a duck’s head and shut up, ok?

Gourmet Murder Kitchen are breathtakingly lucky that “The Food Chain” is determined by stun gun skills, throat-slitting technique and setting the Sat-Nav to “slaughterhouse”, rather than on sincerity and compassion – Otherwise both the engineers and the executioners of this weasel-brained, snivelling mock apology would at this moment be hurtling down the A1 towards the bullshit abattoir, scrapping in the back of the truck over how many onion rings should top their lank, disingenuous heads when they’re finally served up. 

This is only the latest in a series of insincere apologies from companies, celebrities and organisations – Sudden, dramatic, complete U-turns in opinion and ideology, always seeming to occur 17 seconds after what they’ve said or done has been badly received.   

Maybe it’s my fault for lifting my laptop lid and entering my password, for it to faithfully present me, much too brightly, with the things I opened last night.  That was a different climate.  Maybe I’m wasting my time.  Relatively speaking, the clock is ticking and I’ve no time to waste.  I shouldn’t be reading about a chain of restaurants I don’t even go to.  There’s also no time to have my intelligence insulted by an average burger joint, and nor for that matter is leaving a trail of blood and carcasses the way I wish to leave the world.

I’ve told you, world, media, gossips, and publicity stunt-ers that I know these things you feed me aren’t true.  I don’t believe you, world.  I don’t believe you’re heterosexual, Mr. Recently-Married-New-Dad-Former-Womaniser (And that’s fine).  And I don’t believe you’re a real couple, Fame-Hungry-Constantly-Touring-TV- SuperCouple.   

And Gourmet Murder Kitchen – I don’t believe you’re sorry.  You’re certainly sorry the campaign didn’t go well, but not sorry you laughed at animals for being brutally killed, fried and sold.  And if that’s the case, fine.  But don’t lie to me.  Don’t pretend.  Just shut up and hide and eat your burgers until the storm passes.  Don’t force-feed me deceitful, superfluous germ-words.  If much more shit is rammed down my throat, my liver will make a delicious paté for some cunt in Gourmet Murder Kitchen to casually dip breadsticks in.

One highlight from the apology was “Vegetarians that we’ve looked after and fed since our very first restaurant”

“Looked after” and “fed” are terms that evoke ideas of parenting, dependence, nurture and care.  These are not appropriate or accurate.  Making a business decision to serve one disgusting mushroom burger so as not to lose the business of a group of 4 meat eaters and 1 veggie is what that’s about.  The wording of this section will have been debated and tested and checked and plotted for optimum impact.  They trust that we won’t analyse to this depth, and their manipulation will slip under the radar.

Eating meat is one thing.  But mocking the animals you kill to do so, and their voice amongst humanity, and then pretending to be sorry?  What sort of a psychopathic carnivorous collective does that?

It is only a miracle of chance that we, most of us, are not Medieval peasants, or born paraplegic, or Chinese children, crafting and buffing iPhone screens.  It is an equal miracle of chance that we are not born as one of the animals acknowledged as “edible”, in a small, bare field, chasing our raw, docked tails, or running an electric shock gauntlet into a truck, along an insignificant death line, and onto a kid on holiday’s plate in Gourmet Burger Kitchen in Greenwich, to be chewed and dumped half-eaten, abandoned on the plate in favour of Minecraft or Angry Birds. 

It’s too late, I’ve seen through this now.  Your apology is bullshit, your burger isn’t gourmet and your meat is murder. 

To be born accidentally top of the food chain is a privilege to appreciate, not a right to abuse.  Show compassion for those without a voice, and don’t apologise if you don’t mean it.  We aren’t that stupid.


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