Jehovah’s Shitness – Imprisoning, Abusive Sexual Advice

This Jehovah’s Witness research began when two deluded widows appeared on the doorstep last week.

Witness 1:  Which of these 3 magazines would you like?

Me:  Oh, sorry this isn’t for me

Witness 1:  Don’t you believe in the Lord God?

Me:  No, I don’t

*Witness 2 Laughs*

Witness 1:  Is that how you were brought up?

Me:  Ok, bye.

So I hit – Initially to learn why they’d disturbed my regime of Wensleydale-eating, Porn-watching and cat-stroking.  The horrors in their output taught me that my upbringing wasn’t so bad after all.  Below, their Q&A highlights, with my thoughts in italics…

I’m Attracted To The Same Sex—Does That Mean I’m Gay?
Lisette, 16, was once attracted to a girl.  She says: “Through Biology class in school, I learned that during adolescence, hormones fluctuate greatly.  If youths knew more about their bodies, they’d understand same-sex attraction can be temporary and they wouldn’t feel the pressure to be gay.”

That’s what you get as a teenager in school isn’t it – pressure to be gay.  “Hey, straight-boy!  Go and lick a vagina you fucking hetero!” 

It’s a flawed notion that humans must act on sexual impulses.  The Bible dignifies humans, assuring them they can choose not to act on improper sexual urges.

…And when inevitably they go mental and fuck some children, it’ll be glossed over with Watchtower-back-issue-papier-mâché.

Resist homosexual inclinations if you truly want to please God.  The Bible’s stand is not unreasonable.

Oh isn’t it?  You should’ve said! 

What If I’m Being Pressured Into Sex?
From 1950-2014, There were 1,006 child sexual abuse complaints against Australian Jehovah’s Witness officials – Averaging one monthly for the last 65 years.  The number of prosecutions is 0. 

If they spent less on out-of-court settlements, they could employ a designer to improve this monstrosity, and rewrite its hideous caption.

sex doormat
Engaging in premarital sex is like taking a beautiful painting and using it as a doormat

DISTRUST.  After sex, each partner begins to wonder, ‘Who else has he/she had sex with?’

Or before, or during.  The Jehovahs have not altered the concept of jealousy.

DISILLUSIONMENT.  Girls prefer someone to protect, not use them.  Boys are less attracted to a girl who has yielded to their advances.

Yes, exactly, exactly.  If you have sex with someone, they’ll instantly desert you.  That’s what happens.  Don’t trust anyone (except strangers who turn up at your house offering magazines).

CONCLUSION:  Your body’s too valuable to give away.  Show your strength of character – Obey God’s laws against premarital sex.  If you marry one day, you can have sex and enjoy it fully – without the aftermath:  Worries, regrets, and insecurities.

You don’t actually have to “give away” your body.  You can be an active participant, taking ownership, control and enjoyment.

What if I’m Addicted to Pornography?
Understand pornography for what it isAn attempt to degrade something God created to be honorable. Understanding pornography in this light will help you to “hate what is bad.”—Psalm 97:10.

So, one bible-compiler finds another creating a PornHub playlist, and enraged, writes a Psalm on his hatred of Anal Creampies.  No, Psalm 97:10 wasn’t originally written about porn.  “Hate what is bad” could be applied to anything – murder, ‘satan’, adultery.  Saying “bad” after mentioning porn, doesn’t necessarily make porn bad.

You could make these ‘solemn promises’:

  • I will not use the Internet when I am alone.
  • I will immediately exit from any pop-up or site that is explicit.
  • I will talk to a mature friend if I have a relapse.

* Phone rings *

Son:  Hi Mum

Mum:  Hi Son, I’ve just emailed you a link to that UCAS thing, you need to sort it today, ok?

Son:  No sorry Mum, I’ve made a solemn promise that I will not use the internet when I’m alone

Mum:  Ok, I’ll be home at 6, we can look at it together then

Son:  Excellent, now I can go to University, and keep my solemn promises.

Mum:  Superb, bye Son.

Son:  Bye Mum.

Why Reject Pornography?

Myth: Pornography won’t hurt me.

Fact: Pornography does to your mind what smoking does to your lungs.
Brain cancer?

Men who view pornography are more likely to have a callous attitude to violence against women.
If you mean – Men who have hit women have also watched porn.  Then yes, that’s correct.  But they’ve also defecated, eaten bread, sat exams and watched TV. 


DID YOU KNOW? Sexting nude photos has been considered the same as child abuse or distributing child pornography. Some minors who have sexted have been prosecuted as sex offenders.

Hell is too distant a fury- threaten them with prison.  If you’re a minor and you “sext” you may be prosecuted.  Doesn’t seem very conducive to reporting being abused…

TRUE STORY “My friend kept her relationship with a boy secret.  She sent him a nude photo, and he sent one back.  48 hours later, her dad checked her phone.  He discovered the texts, and was devastated.  He confronted her, and she admitted everything.  I know she’s sorry, but her parents were shocked and upset!  They’re not even sure if they can trust her anymore.”

Don’t worry, you dirty little bitch (with military time-precision), when you die you’ll be shunned by an omnipotent sky-being for eternity, so this parental rejection is an apt warm-up. 


The Bible says sexual activity should occur only between a married man and woman.  To please God, we shouldn’t engage in premarital sex.  Some say The Bible’s view is old-fashioned, out-of-touch with our modern world.  The modern world that’s plagued with divorce, unwanted pregnancies, and STDs.  Our modern world is in no position to dole out moral advice!

Agreed, let’s take moral instruction from our old world.  Capital Punishment, witch-boiling, no rights for women, slavery, and life expectancy of 40.

“I don’t want to throw away my virginity on someone whose name I may not remember years from now,” says 14-year-old Sierra.

I’d better go and call my 85 year old Grandmother with Dementia to let her know she threw away her virginity…

…She said “Thanks Beatrice”

“I’m glad I’m a virgin!  I’m avoiding the mental, physical, and emotional pain that comes with having premarital sex.”  -Emily.

The earlier doubt that those feelings occur has now vanished. 

“Responding confidently shows you don’t question or doubt your beliefs and you do what you do because it’s right, not just because it’s what you were told to do.”—Jill.

Thank you, Jill, for telling me what to do.  Now go and shit on your own doorstep.


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