Kim’ll Fix It – Put Your Tits Away, Moron

Kim Kardashian is to women what Jimmy Savile was to children.  Abusive, destructive, cloaked by offering support.  Kim’ll fix it for you too.

It’s horrific stupidity when somebody says being raped is a woman’s fault, because it quite clearly isn’t.  It’s Kim Kardashian’s fault.

If you’re a Hollywood-pedant wondering why I didn’t call her  “Kim Kardashian West” it’s for the same reason you don’t call me “Alex Bruce West” – I’m not fucking married to him.

We must immediately change the term “slut shaming” to “moron shaming” so it isn’t a feminist issue. Feminist issues tend to be worthwhile.  There’s a feminist in me.  Well, actually there are two – one who really means it, and one who’s trying to get his end away.  When Kim’s actions are “slut shamed” she holds an immunity from her faux feminism defence.  Once we’re onto “moron shaming” then who’s she going to call?  The ghostbusters are probably far too busy getting collagen injections up their arseholes.

Feminism isn’t Kim’s motive, it’s her alibi.

The man-of-the-people-style-football-commentators used to fear for Britain’s schoolboys, imitating European football’s diving on their playing fields at lunchtime.  Now the young British players dive every week, ‘earning’ penalties they’re still no better at taking.

Unfortunately, it’s just too late.  Kim Kardashian is a spreading cancer.  The trick of her career is that there is no story, no body of work.  No body of work means no standards to maintain.  For those in her ‘line of work’ a bad tweet/implant/interview/nude selfie is as big a news story as a good tweet/implant/interview/nude selfie.  Even if we could synchronise a huge boycott, unfollow en masse, she’d cry some (real) tears and wave her (fake) silicon sacks at her (fake) husband, and thus we’d wake to find her trending, with theladbible publishing her latest almost-genitals shots in between some rogue Isis flag sightings and Harry Kane’s breakfast preferences.

Maybe if we could handle even 10 seconds of silence we wouldn’t need so many things to talk about.

Trains of thought must terminate somewhere.  Our inegalitarian, advertise til you drop society is continuously dictating the faux-inclusive, customer-base-widening message that “the opposite of cool is cool”.  Which has been harnessed and conveniently manipulated into the general equivalent – “the opposite of x is x”.  This includes, therefore, “the opposite of feminism is feminism” – which breaks down into three chronological thoughts:

Thought 1 – “get your tits out for the lads”

Thought 2 – “No way, fuck off sexist pigs”

Thought 3 – “Hey, fuck you, I’m getting my own tits out through choice!”

Well – the best thing achieved by thought 3 was getting Kim K’s PR person a pay rise, for harnessing a way to appeal to both genders by simply getting her tits out

So when our adolescent boys start calling our adolescent girls “frigid” because they put black boxes over their nipples in their Snapchat profile pictures, remember it’s not because a mean, spoilt snob with a wayward sense of entitlement couldn’t sing or dance (or do a normal job), it’s just feminism.

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