The 6 Worst Bits Of The Britain First Official Policies Document

Britain First have released the “New Britain First Official Policies” following their Dartford conference. Here, verbatim, are 6 of the lowlights.

1) Replace the present “multi faith” religious education curriculum with a new approach that focuses predominantly on Christianity. 

The secondary school children I know tell me R.E. is still what it used to be – Buddhism Board Games and questions like “What is bullying?” (Nobody answers in case they’re beaten up.) Hopefully this is a stepping stone towards 2 separate edu-streams: 1) Studying humanity’s propensity for belief, religious history, conflict and faith.  2) Education on Identity, social interaction, mental health and equality.  Maybe it’ll take longer, or the landscape will change altogether.  Like most things, it’s complicated, and not resolved by “A new approach that focuses predominantly on Christianity” – Without explanation. Why? Tradition? Can Britain First claim anything else?  Have they definitive proof of Christian God? As leader Paul Golding hits the prison cell hay  this week, “Lights Out!” turns the cell ceiling black, and he threateningly points a stubby racist finger at it, does he really, really believe in God?

2) Greater influence of the Armed Forces in the education system, including day trips, training events and careers advise.

“Advise”?!  Careers “advise”?! Maybe spelling 6 letter words should take precedence over figuring out which is your dominant eye? All the military training day will prepare kids for is how shit it’ll still be when they do the exact same obstacle course 10 years later, on an equally worthless corporate training day.  What can the army possibly offer the education system?  Education and war are opposites. The only time education and war should meet is when America bombs a Syrian primary school for a laugh.  As Confucius said, 2500 years before James Blunt drove his tank into Kosovo, “Education breeds confidence. Confidence breeds hope. Hope breeds peace.”

3) Introduce a total ban on abortion like that in place in the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland.

Leading to the rise of I.S. – Independent Scotland, Britain’s abortion capital. An ancestor of mine travelled from Belfast to London for an abortion 45 years ago. There lies my patriotism – ‘My’ England allowed her a basic right while my Irish ancestors scrabbled around attempting to save their bright orange collarettes from their burning houses. Should Britain First or anyone else introduce this total abortion ban, is the law that well respected? In the 50 metre walk from my front door to the bus stop I pass a drug dealer’s house, an illegally parked car with unpaid parking tickets, a builder counting his cash-in-hand, then reach the bus stop, which a former neighbour (affectionately named “the hippy”) graffitied with the catchy slogan – “Fuck The Queen”. On her birthday.

4) A greatly increased level of assistance and counselling for the victims of sexual attacks

…Who are then legally obliged to have the baby that’s been “raped into” them.  There’s no effort to define or quantify a “greatly increased” level of assistance.  “You’ve been sexually assaulted?  Well we can’t offer physical or mental treatment I’m afraid, the NHS has been dissolved due to lack of doctors, all our med students went on an army ‘careers advise’ day and never came back, but I tell you what, how would you like some assistance from a couple of racists?” – Assistance means helping Grandad out of his chair, not how to deal with PTSD.  And don’t leave Grandad’s chair empty too long, or a Muslim Grandad will steal it and behead him on his return. And at the going down of the Sun, Muslims will be on our streets, sexually assaulting aborted foetuses with our Grandads’ severed heads.  And you’ll do nothing.

5) Introduce castration for convicted rapists and sexual offenders.

This one put so many thoughts in my head at once that I became overwhelmed simultaneously with excitement and frustration, (A common sensation, born when I quit smoking 471 days ago) and I had to go and eat 4 chocolate biscuits, a vegan sausage roll and a pack of wotsits to calm down.  I may’ve put on a stone or so (if “so” means “two”), since my big extinguish, but as an unwittingly hilarious GP informed me “You can’t run off lung cancer” – Which certainly shattered a family tenet.  Unfortunately it turns out you can’t really run off fat either, about 30 minutes running only burns one chocolate bar’s calories.  You have to just eat less.

Nationwide sex offender castration would certainly kill more potential babies than would be saved by the new anti-abortion law.  But it would also help create the world’s first sex offenders choir – Sinister eunuchs touring UK office blocks at lunch hour, seeking public redemption with an ironic, soprano version of “You Raise Me Up”. Castrated men can still achieve erection and ejaculation, quite slowly (unless they’re taking testosterone). Besides, rape is often not sexually-driven. Recidivism rates of castrated offenders are just 3% lower than non-castrated. Then there’s the potential wrongful guilty verdicts and mistaken identities. “You can’t just go chopping someone’s balls off” sounds like something said in a poorly-scripted gangster parody, not something a civilian should any longer need to say to a leader.

6) Make postal voting subject to an eligibility test available only to those who are suffering physical impairments or disabilities.

If, like me, you were just thinking that these policies all seemingly revolve around sex and control, fear not. Finally we’re at the crux of the matter, the heart of what’ll make Britain great again. The burning issue: Eligibility testing for postal votes. It’s hard to retain perspective when the issue jump-cuts from castration to postal voting (coincidentally, “jump-cut” is the primary technique of a professional castrator). If proof is needed that Britain First are more concerned with gaining power than improving society, it’s here. Their eligibility testing concerns don’t relate to ability to work -the Tories have that sewn up already, with 90 “fit for work” people dying every month – but instead on postal vote eligibility – Considering physical issues, but not mental. That’s what we want, Schizophrenic Ukippers going apeshit, trashing the polling stations.

In what I now call my education, I spent the 15 months from October 2006 – December 2007 within a 10 metre radius of this precise point in space – Not through choice, believe it or not. I’m not a robot, (nor are you, don’t worry) though I suppose even they can malfunction. Unable to switch rooms in the house without a glass of water, ice lolly in a bowl, bowl of rice krispies, pack of face wipes, extra clothes, mints, a peach, a pen and paper, a bucket, iPod, headphones, mobile phone, painkillers, crossword book and a sandwich, unable to see visitors, eat a meal in one go, staying awake until 7am every ‘night’ fearing the disorientation of waking that inevitably follows sleeping, one earphone in Fawlty Towers DVD extra features, the other in the Glenn Harold hypnosis tape “Deep Sleep Every Night”.  In Winter I fell asleep to the sound of Primary school children walking to school, and woke in the 4pm dark, picked some white string out of my mouth and went downstairs for 6 digestive biscuit halves and a programme on Hitler.  (In retrospect I admit it sounds odd).  Hull Crown Court then summoned me for jury service. When I said “Look, I’m sorry, I’m Agoraphobic. I haven’t been out for a year, I haven’t got a job, I haven’t had a shower for a month, not because there’s no point, but because I just can’t be that far away from a glass of water” the answer came back “Invalid excuse.  See you on Monday”.  Obviously, I did not attend.  The case concluded with a unanimous verdict to castrate.


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