As well as allowing me some nostalgic anxiety, and a look at the male perverts on match.com, (arranged by distance), my Mum’s Christmas visit raised the subject of the queen. Specifically the 11-days-and-counting cold she was suffering. We briefly discussed the possibility the queen was already dead, the news being kept for the right moment – Perhaps to generously save the inevitable day(s) off work for a time less brimming with bank holidays. In Summer 2014 I decided this kind of tactful-news-of-death-release was happening with Nelson Mandela, freely spouting it for about a week before remembering he’d died in December 2013. (Everyone I told must’ve forgotten too, or just been humouring me.) The queen won’t die from a cold. She won’t allow herself to die from anything that can be preceded by the word ‘common’. She’d rather go out in a Duchy Original Cocaine-fuelled attempt at the Total Winter Wipeout course. Leaving ‘presenter’ Richard ‘The Hamster’ Hammond to punch her corpse repeatedly in its rapidly rigour-mortis-ing vagina just to do something more worthwhile than Top Gear.
Thursday night, a story broke about 4 people, described by abc.com as, “4 blacks”, or by Fox News as “4 fucking black bastard Afro Americans” (one of those isn’t real). They kidnapped, bound and tortured a white American, Trump-supporting 18 year old man, described equally considerately by the same websites as “mentally challenged”. The incident, which lasted around 4 hours, was broadcast on Facebook live. They tied him up, cut his clothes, held a knife to his throat, cut his head, mock-executed him, kicked him in the face, forced him to drink from the toilet, and also, for some reason, directly to camera,…they started rapping. That’s not a racist joke, that’s what actually happened. It’s hard to say why – Not even the pushiest musical supermum could keep a straight face claiming that that is “how people get spotted”. They are well known now, but predominantly for their facing jail terms from the almost comically vague spectrum of 6-30 years. The worst bit, in many ways, is them attacking this innocent man as if everything actually is all his fault. The silver lining is – It’s a good start on the US government’s target to increase the numbers of black people in prison in 2017. If you’re a non-Trump-voting American, hating the idea that the rest of the world views Trump as representative of you, the silver lining for you is that you can at least now relate to how all the non terrorism-doing Muslims have felt for 15 years.
The problem is, he does represent you. He’s the one with the lectern, the speech writers, the media training, the money, the votes, the platform. For these reasons, Phillip Schofield represents me when he’s shaking his a head at a ‘Benefits Mum’ on her spending her £10 Christmas benefit bonus on Prosecco. The unflattering term ‘Benefits Mum’ conjures the image of 6 L.A. writers round a table saying “We need a name that conveys what she is…and like….what she really is?” Deborah is on benefits since having to leave her teaching career when her husband had a post-army breakdown and their children left school with mental health problems. In the same week Finland introduced a basic income for their unemployed, £8m ‘worth’ Schofield sat on a sofa next to Davina McCall and essentially attacked an unemployed woman with an ill family for spending £10 on Prosecco at Christmas, “with taxpayers’ money” he said. The only problem there being that of course, it isn’t taxpayers’ money anymore. Is he still describing his kids’ Christmas gifts as his own, because he bought them? Showing off to a pretty 20 year old runner on the This Morning floor during the ad breaks – “I’ve got shitloads of lego at home, you know, all the sets.” If this is the case, don’t ITV really own this lego? As Schofield’s salary comprises their money. In which case the lego’s ownership could be said to enter a logical conundrum of infinite regress, extending far beyond even whoever it is that pays ITV (probably the NHS Mental Health department – A bribe to keep the Loose Women in neutral).
The ‘Benefits Mum’ story was perfect for The Sun – The attempted destruction of someone with almost nothing to their name looked great sandwiched between a shit holiday advert and a blank page where a semi-naked woman used to be. It all came out – Deborah spent £2800 on her family of six’s 2016 Christmas – The suggestion was that money would be better spent on something essential like potatoes, (that they then have to eat raw so as not to waste more of ‘my’ tax money on gas with which to pre-heat an oven in which to bake the potatoes). Tellingly snuck in around 80% of the way through The Sun’s article, was a little demi-sentence in passing: “Deborah – Who also used credit cards and loans to pay for Christmas – said…”
We’re facing the wrong way. My Mum blamed the foreign aid budget for her own relative skint-ness and not the £40million showpiece on the head of a 90 year old a short First Capital Connect train ride away. Then there’s the financial fortune of end-homelessness-in-Britain-overnight proportions required to keep the 90 year old and family in their practically hallucinated lifestyle. The questionable and statistically uncorroborated tourism revenue counter-argument is now doubly redundant in an age where the London landmarks’ profits inevitably end up not back in the community but either offshore or in wads of cash rolled and secretly stuffed inside a Westminster prostitute for safer keeping at least than with one of the British banks – Who, incidentally, literally told us they were taking all the money while they were doing it, and that 2008’s crash was all their fault, but have somehow since managed to convince us to pretend we’ve forgotten that. Regardless, when we periodically remember, we direct our blame towards the strain on the borders and NHS of a few hundred people who happened not to be born here getting chewed up by lorry undercarriages beneath the Channel, seeking 16 hours a day cleaning at £6 p/h, rather than on a City of London salmon-shirt triple-barrelled alcoholic moving £100m in a single transaction just to see if there’s anything left that can still give him an erection.
The American Facebook Live attackers blamed the 18 year old they kidnapped and tortured for Donald Trump’s success, rather than the 12 month poison trail, the social alienation, the lies, the propaganda, the campaign, the total head-fuck – Even a couple of minutes of American network news feels like a minor brain-altering subliminal experiment after which you’ll never be quite the same again. The four torturers maybe just needed something to attack, something to hurt and control. We can at least consider the frustration of America’s first black president being succeeded by America’s first openly racist president (because it was either that, or a woman). I wonder what penitence or compensation Trump may offer to the victim of this attack, given that even if only indirectly, he’s more responsible for this victim’s being attacked than the victim was for Trump’s being elected.
Phillip Schofield (and the public he’s pretending to represent for money) blamed Deborah and her £10 Prosecco shopping, not the Benefits policy, those looking to change it (in either direction), the politicians who took Deborah’s husband to war in the first place, the education system that failed her children, the health system that couldn’t offer longer treatment for her husband and children’s PTSD, the inegalitarian society that created the problem and the witch hunt / freak show culture that never went away.
Meanwhile our New Years resolutions prevent our adults from thinking they can make significant change more than once a year, and our children return to an education system that continues to separate them from their true talent like it’s a partner in crime, rather than to help them discover it. We have the illusion of choice, at least. For example, we can choose to do 4 days of juicing and jogging, before inevitably returning to dairy and wanking all day long.
The biggest achievement of those at the top is convincing those in the middle that the blame lies with those at the bottom. A distraction swindle that leaves us with nowhere to place the pressure, and the blame of our unfulfillment but downwards, not upwards.
So, let’s conclude with a joke popular 6 months ago, before the shit-storms and that’s not particularly funny:
A banker, a worker, and an immigrant are sitting at a table with 20 cookies.
The banker takes 19 cookies, then warns the worker: “Watch out, the immigrant is going to take your cookie away.”